Om, and Zen What?

The concept of living in the moment has always been very compelling to me. Like the girl in "Our Town" I believe that life is precious and fleeting and we, like Thorough, should suck the marrow from every moment before moving on to the next one. I have worked hard to live this philosophy, but the truth is, I have always been more comfortable in the role of critical observer. I more naturally watch the dance than join in, and critique rather than create. Even on a snowboard or in a sparring match, I seldom silence the inner narrator who judges my decisions even as I make them.

So it came as a surprise to me when parenthood knocked me completely outside of myself and into the moment. Before Xuan Xuan, I thought of myself as organized and efficient; a multi-tasker. Whatever I was doing, a part of my mind was elsewhere, planning ahead, reviewing the past or working through some problem. Now there are days when I can't find time to shower, let alone think about myself. Many people have asked me how I like motherhood, and I've had to answer, "I haven't thought about it yet." Although I used to evaluate every conversation, every choice, every outfit, I have not considered this, the biggest change in my identity since my own birth.

For the first time in my life, I am too busy to think. Which is not to say that I am operating on instinct. Instinct isn't much good when you've got a dirty child who screams when you turn on the bathwater. My day is full of problems that instinct can't solve. With my mind occupied by logistical and psychological conundrums and my body set to toddler tracking, I am too absorbed by each moment to think about the moment.

Most people think that meditation is about spacing out, but it is actually about tuning in and being completely present in the moment. Now I know why monks meditate while sitting down. "Our Town" explained it, but I didn't get it until now. You can't actually be present in every moment because you'll burn out. Maintaining presence is exhausting. Having reached this state of Zen I can now say that everyone should visit, but you wouldn't want to live there. I can't actually savor life inside a moment. I need to pause between bites, consider the flavors, take notes, and criticize the chef. It takes more than the moment itself to fully appreciate a moment.

Some of the initial intensity in our new family has begun to cool. Xuan Xuan did some grieving last week, and compared to the initial grief cycles this looked like being a little cranky. Now I can take an occasional moment to look ahead. When I do, I look forward to the time when Xuan Xuan is settled in our family; when we have routines and habits that we perform thoughtlessly; when mundane activities are not epic challenges. When the day comes that I can take a day for granted, I am going to enjoy spacing out and thinking back, reflecting on how much our family was strengthened by the time when I was intensely, fully Zen-present in every moment.

A Picture Is Worth....

I haven't had time to write in a while, and although there's a lot I'd like to say, I still don't have time to write. So, if a picture is worth a thousand words, here are 187,000 words about Xuan Xuan:

Xuan_Xuan_Photo_Album

(I reposted the link, hopefully everyone can see it this time. It worked for me before, so I don't know what the problem is/was).